May 11, 2010 is the five year anniversary of the death of our father. His death was directly attributed to criminal abuse and mistreatment by a woman who had been hired to help our parents with their daily activities. Because of the lack of physical evidence, this evil woman could not be charged with a more serious crime of criminally negligent homicide or premeditated murder. The accused woman pled guilty on March 9, 2006 in a Texas courtroom to three counts of Felony Elder Abuse, and is currently serving her sentence.
Elder Abuse is a very serious crime and is recognized and punished as a third degree FELONY in Texas. A Felony is considered to be a crime of a grave and atrocious nature and is an offense punishable by death or imprisonment in the state penitentiary of Texas.
Even though my sister and I worked diligently to help our dad and our mom live out the lives which God intended, we never suspected that an abusing caregiver was working even more diligently to end our parent's lives. We were naive and trusting, believing that someone with the job of "caregiver" actually cared about her patients. We hope that by relating our experience, by telling others what we have learned, we may save some other parent, some other loved one from fear, abuse and an early death.
My sister and I believe that our dad was one of the greatest individuals of his generation. We will always love our wonderful father, and we will never forget that our dad died before his time.
CONFRONTING ELDER ABUSE
On May 11, 2005 a good man died. This good and gentle and intelligent man was a victim of elder abuse. The wife of this good man was also abused, though she is still living ... living without the only man she has ever loved. Their three daughters, who worked diligently to care for their ailing parents, are heartbroken over the loss of their father and the way that he died. How is it that these three women ..... bright, articulate, and educated .... were unaware of what was happening in their parents' home?
My sister and I worked with the police and the district attorney over the ten months following our dad's death to assure that the abuser was brought to justice. Why didn't we know what was happening? Why couldn't we see what she was doing? What clues did we miss or were there any clues left behind by this abuser? Night after sleepless night I strove to understand what had blinded us to this ugly reality. The answers to my questions, as much as I could discover them, are contained in this essay.
Our parents' abuser has now pled guilty to three counts of Felony Elder Abuse and was sentenced by the court to one month in the county jail with a ten year suspended (probated) sentence. During the probationary period the abuser cannot work or volunteer as a care giver. If any of the terms of the probation are not met, the care giver will spend ten years in the state penitentiary. Elder abusers seldom leave evidence of their crime, and the abusers hurt those individuals who no longer have the ability to testify against them. It is difficult, though not impossible, to prosecute and convict those individuals who abuse the elderly.
Our father had brain surgery for a recurring meningioma in May of 2004, a tumor which had been removed two years before. After the second surgery and six weeks of radiation therapy, dad was too weak to care for himself or his wife. Our mom has dementia, a disease that has slowly robbed our mother of her memories and of her ability to care for herself. My sister and I had been assisting our parents for several years, helping mom and dad with their finances, their personal and medical care and the maintaining of their home. After dad's second brain surgery, we could no longer provide the amount of care which mom and dad needed. Mom and dad did not want to spend their declining years in a nursing facility. My sister and I, with the assistance of our parents, hired caregivers who would would rotate shifts, so that each day of the week was fully covered. The caregivers were to be temporary. Dad was a strong and vital man, even at 84 years of age, and was expected to fully recover.
HIRING CAREGIVERS
Each one of the prospective caregivers was carefully interviewed. Any references which the individual had given was contacted. Any police record, even a bad check charge, would disqualify an applicant. My family hired four women after interviewing many; one of these four women was an abuser. This abuser had worked previously for a home health agency, and the agency reported to us that her record was exemplary. Families of this woman's deceased patients often added her name to their loved one's obituary, thanking her for the excellent care which the family believed had been given to their loved one. Perfect, or so we thought.
My sister and I continued to help in our parents' home. We considered this enterprise a team effort, each one of us adding what services we could to the work being done by the caregivers. My younger sister, who lives next door to our parents, handled mom and dad's finances and the day to day work of contacting doctors and insurance companies, ordering medications and managing the care giving staff. I live 200 miles away and would visit at least once a month, sometimes more often, staying for 5 days or more at a time, assisting in the upkeep of mom and dad's home, cooking, cleaning, running errands and helping my younger sister with whatever chores needed doing.
The abuser was clever, smart and experienced - the police detectives who investigated the crime believe that our dad and mom were not the abuser's first victims. What led this woman to abuse our parents, even purposely causing the death of our father? The reasons for the crimes are complicated and uncertain, although two of the oldest motives for crime - money and the lust for power over another person may be at the heart of the abuser's actions.
THE ABUSER'S LIES
Whenever I was visiting my parents' home, this abuser and I talked and worked together. We related stories to each other of many experiences in our individual lives. Though the abuser's background was very different from mine, the values she claimed to hold were the same as my values. I often felt as though she and I could be sisters. The abuser told me that very often the bereaved families of her deceased patients would give her cash or other material goods in thanksgiving for her services. In the context of a friendly conversation, her story sounded heart warming. I did not realize that she was preparing me, telling me what she expected from my family when my parents passed away.
The abuser stated that her life had been a difficult one, that she was one of eleven children and that her father had died when she was young, leaving the responsibility for the care of the children to her mother. The abuser left school before graduation, or so she said, to help her mother pay the mortgage on the family home. The abuser claimed that she had purchased most of her mother's newer furnishings and appliances with her own salary and had supplemented her mother's income for many years, even to the present time.
I heard numerous stories of this woman's wonderful charity and love toward her family and of the many difficulties which she had faced during her life. Because my own family was so caring and giving to one another, these stories were believable. All of the abuser's cleverly constructed stories were intended to elicit our family's trust, pity and assistance. My sister and I were generous to the abuser. When told of her difficulty in caring for her mother, who was then disabled and dying, my sister and I provided money for the mother's pain medications. The abuser often called another sister, who lived nearly 1500 miles away, to report on mom and dad's condition. This sister sent money to the abuser to help defray the expense of the woman's cell phone, although she was not involved in the day to day care of our parents.
My sister and I had learned by our parents' example to be loving, to assist those in need, to be generous to others less fortunate than ourselves. What we did not learn was how to distinguish between those who are truly in need and those who live to take advantage of people like ourselves. We could not imagine that there are people in this world who will hurt others simply for the pleasure they derive from the act. We could not imagine that someone who calls herself a "care giver" may not care for other people at all. In short, my sister and I were naive; we were too trusting of strangers and were much too willing to share our lives and our material goods with others. Those character traits cost our dad his life.
WHAT HAPPENED TO THE VICTIMS
The abuser manipulated our family and the medical situation; there was never a moment to step back and observe. There was always a crisis, some problem that needed our immediate attention. The abuser even convinced medical personnel who visited with our parents that she was knowledgeable and caring. The abuser slowly reduced our father's intake of food, sedating him, starving him, hurting him until he could not recover. This abuser struck our mother, put duct tape over her mouth to silence her, made her sit in urine soaked clothes for hours at a time. What I have related is only a small sampling of what this woman did to our defenseless parents.
What perfect victims! An elderly man taking sedating medication prescribed by a doctor to help his brain heal, a woman with dementia who could not remember that she had just eaten or used the bathroom. How were this abuser's actions uncovered? This individual complained often that she had not enough time to complete her work, that caring for two people was too much for her. Because we wanted to help the caregiver assist our parents, my sister and I hired a second care giver to work alongside the first. This additional caregiver was an inexperienced young woman who wanted to be trained in this field. Eventually, the newly hired caregiver reported the abuse; the abuser was fired, and the police were notified.
TRAGEDY STRIKES
Our dad died a week after the abuser was fired. Dad was too ill and too weakened to recover from the effects of the abuse. Our mom no longer suffers from constant urinary tract infections, and she has regained the weight which she had lost when the abuser was in the home. Our mom cannot remember that dad has died. Mom sits in her chair, waiting patiently for her husband to return. One day our dad will return for her - and mom will leave willingly - mom and dad have been part of each other's souls for more than 62 years.
We cannot return to our dad his dignity or his life. We cannot return our mother's husband to her, whole and healthy. We cannot explain to our dad what happened, how the children he depended upon failed him when it really counted. There is no atoning, no magic words that will alleviate our feelings of guilt or remorse. My sister and I hope that by relating our experience, by telling others what we have learned, we may save some other parent, some other loved one from fear, abuse and an early death.
To read our list of suggestions for those of you who are preparing to care for an elderly parent or relative please click on Protecting your Loved Ones. Please read the suggestions, study them and take them to heart. Your loved one's life may depend upon your attention to these suggestions. Also, please be sure to click on the link about recognizing those individuals who are sociopaths. Recognizing a Sociopath Even if you never are required to hire a caregiver, it is likely that at some time in your life, you will meet or be required to work with a sociopath, if you have not already. You need to be prepared to recognize a sociopath; your safety, security and financial health depends upon being able to recognize a person with "anti-social personality disorder", otherwise know as sociopathy.
FINAL THOUGHTS
Looking back over the time when my dad was ill, I have come to recognize that it is relatively simple to kill someone who is elderly and/or ill. The process takes a bit of planning, a basic knowledge of medical procedures which most of us acquire through our own medical experiences, access to sedating medications which are often taken by an ill or elderly individual and an ability to lie without being caught. If an elderly or ill relative dies a few months sooner than was anticipated, his/her family will seldom question why.
Should you suspect that abuse is happening to your loved one, please do not hesitate to act quickly by calling the local police department or Adult Protective Services in your area.
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